An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the grey hair on his chest and they except that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show’s her the check and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, “Well get back down there, pull down your pants and see if you can get disability!”
An elderly Lady goes to the doctor for a physical examination. She returns with a clean bill of health. While telling her husband about it, she said the doctor told her she has the body of a 30 year old woman.
Her husband asked her, “What did he say about your big ass?”
The woman answered, “Your name didn’t come up at all, dear.”
There were two nuns who had a bike and to make matters fair they would split up the amount of days each was aloud to use it.
One day they were fighting, one nun said “It’s my turn to have the bike, not yours”, and the other one would say, “No it’s not, it’s my turn”.
So the Mother Superior came out after the two had been fighting for a while and said “If you two don’t stop this fighting, I’m going to put the seat back on that bike and sell it”
A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. For some reason he had to be back home later during the day while running some errands. When he entered the house, he was surprised to see his wife in bed with a man who placed his head on her breasts.
The husband demanded, “What on earth are you doing ?” To which the stranger replied, “I am listening to music !!”
The husband shoved the stranger aside and said, “Let me listen” and placed his head on her breasts.
He exclaimed in suspicion, “I don’t seem to hear any music .”
“Of course not,” quipped the stranger, “You are not plugged in!”
A woman called up a doctor’s office and said to the nurse, “I’m missing my panties. I just wonder if I left them in the dressing room.”
The nurse said she’d look, but came back and said, “I’m sorry, madam, but your panties are not here.”
“Oh well then, never mind,” answered the other. “I must have left them at the dentist’s.”
There was this little boy sitting on the curb shaking a bottle of turpentine, and watching the bubbles float up when a priest came by.
The priest asked, ‘Son what is that?’ The boy replied, ‘This here is turpentine the most powerful liquid on earth.’
The priest said, ‘Oh no son, the most powerful liquid on earth is holy water. Put two drops of holy water on a pregnant woman and she will pass a baby boy.’
The boy said, ‘THAT AIN’T NOTHING, take two drops of this here turpentine and rub it on a cats butt and it will pass a motorcycle.
A blonde woman is driving a Porsche. She sees another blonde woman with a Porsche that has broken down on the side of the road. She stops to ask what’s wrong. The owner of the broken Porsche said, ‘I just had a look under the hood, well, while I was driving somebody had stolen the engine.’
The other said, ‘Oh, don’t wory, I have a spare
one in the back of my Porsche.
Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer.
Doctor Watson says, ‘I prefer librarians. All their organs are
alphabetized.
Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ‘I prefer mathmeticians.
All their organs are numbered.’
Doctor Ahn says, ‘I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless,and their
heads and rear ends are interchangeable.’
A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter. The proprietor
said, that will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it.
The man said, ‘Thanks, but I’ll just pay the $10 and pass on the story.’He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked — the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, which he did — and all the rats drowned.
He returned to the store shortly and when he walked in, the proprietor said, ‘Ah ha! You came back to pay the $1,000 for the story, right?’
‘No,’ replied the man, ‘I came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!’
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.”
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you that I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The man said, “Look, I’m a Software Engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is way cool.”