1st Person: “Do you know anything about this fax-machine?”
2nd Person: “A little. What’s wrong?”
1st Person: “Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again,
and the same thing happened.”
2nd Person: “How did you load the sheet?”
1st Person: “It’s a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn’t want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it.”
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said “OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!”
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”
The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete…how much steel!! No, think of another wish.”
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women….know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment….know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say ‘nothing’….know how to make them truly happy….”
The genie said, “You want that bridge two lanes or four?”
A blonde went to a beauty salon to get a haircut. When the beautician approached the chair where the blonde was waiting, she noticed that she was wearing a walkman. The beautician took the blonde to her styling booth. She asked the blonde, “Please take off the walkman so I can cut your hair.” The blonde replied, “I can’t do without it, just cut around it.”
The beautician shook her head in disbelief and started cutting. A few minutes later the beautician stopped and asked the blonde, “I just can’t cut your hair properly while you are wearing that walkman. Please take it off.” The blonde replied, “I just can’t live without it, cut around it please.” The beautician started cutting again and finally had had enough.
The beautician reached down and pulled the earphones from the walkman off the blonde. Just as she did so the blonde froze, then fell out off the chair and on to the floor. The staff at the salon rushed to her aid only to discover she was stone dead. All were stunned! The beautician lifted the earphones to her ear to listen to what was so important to the blonde.
In a soft but commanding voice she heard, “Breathe in………. Breathe out………… Breathe in………. Breathe out………… Breathe in………. Breathe out…………”
A man was invited for dinner at a friend’s house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her “My Love”, “Darling”, “Sweetheart”, etc., etc.
His friend looked at him and said, “That’s really nice after all of these years you’ve been married to keep saying those little pet names.”
The host said, “Well, honestly, I’ve forgotten her name.”
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice shout at him. “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.”
The man stopped and a few seconds later a big brick fell down in front of him. The man was shocked that he wasn’t hit by the brick.
The man went on and after a while he went to cross the road. Once again, the voice shouted, “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die.”
The man asked the voice, “Who are you?”
“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.
“Oh yeah? And where the heck were you when I got married?”
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”.
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”
The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
The other replied “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”
One night a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. a few minutes later he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, ” Do you have a dentist appointment too?”